Today’s post is about nothing in particular other than some general thoughts and feelings that I’ve been having.
Mentally, this week has been rough. I’ve been feeling so tired, lost and hopeless with everything in my life for some reason.
You ever have those days where you just start over-thinking and over-analyzing EVERY little thing in your life, to the point where it almost feels like you’ve got nothing going for yourself at the moment? Well, that’s been me all week.
For those of you that aren’t aware or are just new to my blog, I suffer from anxiety and depression, and have for a few years now (I’ll leave my post that I wrote all about it linked here in case you wanted to check it out). For me it’s always been an on and off thing. Meaning, it’ll hit me and stick around for a few hours or a day or so, but then I’ll do things to be able to make myself feel better and it’ll go away for a while. This week, however, has been completely different.
There’s something about it this week that I just haven’t been able to shake, and I’ve been going nuts trying to figure out why, but, I think I’ve finally figured it out…
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As the last couple days of me being 22 go by, I can’t help but reflect on the past year and everything going on in my life. Among other personal things, one question in particular has been nagging at me for days now: Is all of this really the best that I can do? Sure I’m young and still have so much time in my life to be able to improve and do more, but at this very point in my life, am I happy and content with everything at the moment?
And the answer, very simply put, is no I’m not.
I’ve always been one to be very open about my feelings with the things I go through and the things that I want. More specifically, my future. I’ve always felt that I’m meant to do something BIG; I’ve never been entirely sure what that ‘something’ is, but I’ve always said, and still stick by, that that feeling gets stronger with each day that passes. And so, when I get in these depressive states the way I have been this week, it’s SO frustrating for me. Frustrating because I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. Frustrating because I haven’t figured out what that ‘something’ is yet.
I tend to go through periods of time where I get sick and tired of living the same daily routine over and over again; going to work, to the gym, home, etc. Yes, obviously I enjoy all of these things, and they are all things somewhat mandated in order for me to live a decent life, but it’s just so repetitive that it drives me nuts sometimes and makes me feel like I’m not doing anything REALLY ‘exciting’ or ‘worth it’ the way other people around me (that are more or less the same age) are.
I have to constantly remind myself that this, everything that I’m doing and going through right now, are just rough patches, and me just “paying my dues” until it’s my time to shine (so to speak), and that everyone does things at their own time and pace.
I don’t necessarily think I’m in a rush to make any of these things happen or force it, whereas I just continue to wonder when exactly it’ll be “my time.”
I think my problem is that although I know what I want, I really don’t take enough risks to get these things. I let things get to me and discourage/bring me down too quickly. I work hard but maybe not hard enough. And I HATE change. It freaks me out and gives me SUCH anxiety because I’m so used to certain things and routines, that when I see things start to change, I sort of shut down…
I also just need to remember that God has a plan for me. He knows what He’s doing, and everything will happen in due time when He knows it’s the right time.
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That being said, I turn 23 next Friday, and my goal from now until than is really to make a plan for myself and my life that I fully intend to keep. Plan out all of my goals, make a list of things I want to do/accomplish, and make them all happen one by one.
This year, being 22, and 2018 in general, has been really hard thus far for me. I’ve been through so much. I realized and learned a lot about myself and the people around me. I realized that I need to give myself more credit for the things I’ve accomplished in my life thus far, but I also know that I’m nowhere near where I want or am going to be in the future. I am officially choosing to be happy, and let go of any and all things that I have no control over, and not let things get to me as much anymore. Granted, I know that’s a bold statement and going to take a while for me to actually follow through with, but I’m officially speaking it into existence!!
My goal for this upcoming year (and the years to come) is to really welcome/accept change and take more risks. Just go for it and not think twice about doing things and making mistakes along the way, because if it’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that sometimes you really need to just say ‘fuck it’, and do what makes YOU happy no matter what the people around you say or think.
Mental health is SO important, and not enough people are talking about and/or taking it seriously. If you’re not good mentally, how can you be good in any other way? I almost feel like it’s impossible. I absolutely hate feeling the way that I do most times, and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy because there’s no worse feeling then feeling like you’re not worth it. I feel like this is the majority of what I talk about on here at some point or another in my posts now, but do things that make you happy. Be selfish sometimes, even if it means you have to do the things that make you happy alone, because I’ve realized that you get to be your truest, and best version of YOU when you’re happy and in the right state of mind (mentally).
Wow this was a therapy session all in itself.. 😂
Thank you for taking the time to actually read my stuff, and I hope you guys have a great weekend. I’ll see you next week for a new post!
-Xoxo, Leo Girl ❤