Life Update: What’s Really Been Going On

Hey guys,

I hope you’re all doing well and staying safe throughout everything that has been going on in the world recently.

Life has been really crazy, and I’m not even just talking about with quarantine anymore…..but that’s a conversation for another day.

I wanted to make this post today to be honest with you guys and let you in on what’s been going on with me recently. I made a YouTube video talking all about it a few days ago which I’ll leave linked here if you want to check it out.

I wanted to be able to make a blog post talking about it because I know I sort of have a different type of audience here then I do on my other platforms and that parts of my audience would rather read then watch videos on things like this, so here we are.

I know in my previous blog posts I had mentioned how I was really content throughout our time in quarantine and actually really enjoyed it and was getting a ton of work done, but I guess deep down, that wasn’t true at all.

My guess is that although originally I was content in the beginning and okay with being home all this time, the more time I spent at home, the more it started to get to me….

* * * * * *

About a month ago on May 14th, I suffered from what I can only assume was my first panic attack. It was a random Thursday afternoon at about 5pm, I wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary other than working like I always did, when suddenly I started to feel really weird internally. I started to feel lightheaded and almost like my heart rate was dropping. So, I went into the kitchen to see and talk to my mom in hopes that it would distract me and the feeling would go away, because I figured that I was probably just sitting in front of my computer for too long. When I got up, I felt slightly worse, and I told my mom what I was feeling, that it felt like I could barely breath and like I was going to pass out at any minute (thankfully I didn’t though). We weren’t really sure what was happening so all we did was have me drink really cold water and throw some cold water on my face and neck. After I just walked up and down my driveway to get some air and stretch my legs…..that was the first episode. It went away shortly after that, but it was the  official start of me having anxiety.

The next serious/scary episode was about 3 days later when my mom and I decided to take a little walk to this store nearby our house. Well that “little walk” ended up turning into a 5 mile one when we decided to walk to this Target that’s about 20 minutes more or less away. The walk going was nice, we took our time and just enjoyed it all, but once we actually got to the Target, everything changed…we got there and the line to get in was a little ridiculous, but people were telling us that it was going relatively quick, so we decided to wait about 5-10 minutes on line and see how far we got. As SOON as we got to the back of the line, I immediately started to feel almost exactly how I did on Thursday, and like I was going to pass out. I obviously got very nervous since we were in a very public place and it was just mom and I. Within 2 minutes, I ended up telling my mom that we should just go, so we did. I honestly don’t even know how I managed to get home. The whole walk home was miserable, my chest was tight, I was lightheaded and my right arm started to feel numb-ish. It was all just very scary. We finally ended up getting home, and again, everything ended up being somewhat okay and going away.

The days following this one were on and off…..one day I would feel anxious and uneasy, the next, I was fine. The whole thing was just really scary because who ever wants to feel like they can’t breath, even if it is all mental? The more it happened, the more freaked out and anxious I was throughout the day; constantly feeling nervous, constantly feeling my heart area to make sure that it WAS beating, etc. It was even scarier not knowing WHY any of this was happening. We had our guesses, but we had no way to know for sure.

Due to the circumstances of COVID-19, relatively everything was still closed at the time, and the last thing we wanted to do was go all the way to the hospital with all of this going on, if it wasn’t serious,  AND rack up a ridiculous hospital bill for the check-up. However, the Tuesday following Memorial Day weekend , we were FINALLY able to get an appointment with my primary physician. It was the most exciting and nerve-racking thing. Exciting because I was FINALLY going to find out if something was wrong, but nerve-racking because what if something WAS wrong and serious?

Sure enough, thank GOD, my doctor checked all the important stuff (my heart, lungs, stomach and blood pressure) and everything internally was fine to him. Although he’s not a therapist in any way, shape or form, based off of everything I was telling him that I felt, he basically confirmed what we were all assuming it was, which was stress and anxiety.

As soon as we left the doctor I almost instantly felt a wave of relief. Yes, it still sucked that I was feeling and going through all of these things, but unbelievably relieved to know that it was nothing seriously wrong with me internally. It also almost entirely confirmed what we assumed it was, so we were then able to actually look into things and treatments for anxiety. It gave us some type of clarity.

Ever since than, I’ve been doing research like crazy online, readings books about it, and looking for recommendations for how to help my anxiety.

It’s been a little over a month now that I’ve been dealing with this, and although it can be really scary, there are good and bad days, and I can honestly say that things haven’t been anywhere near as bad as they were when it all started. I think I’m finally getting a handle on this.

* * * * * *

I want to apologize because I almost feel like I lied to you guys about how I was feeling in my previous posts, but it wasn’t my intention. I genuinely felt like I was content and okay with being home working all this time, but deep down like I said, I wasn’t. I guess between quarantine from the virus and everything else going on in the news/world, it really started to get to me.

It got so bad that I couldn’t focus on my work, and I was barely eating and sleeping. Anxiety can be such a scary thing if you don’t know or learn how to control it. It makes you feel like you’re losing yourself and you have no control of getting yourself back.

In my next post, I’m going to be sharing with you guys some of the things that have been helping me cope/ease my mind and anxiety for the past month, so make sure you stay tuned for that.

I hope this post was informative and gave you guys a better sense of where I’ve been and how I’ve really been doing. It’s been really hard, and it’s kind of felt like I’ve lost myself in the past month or so, but everyday I’m working towards getting better, stronger and healthier again, and I can’t wait for the day that I can finally say I’m 100% feeling myself again.

It was also really important for me to share this with you guys in hopes of it possibly inspiring someone else to come out with their story and showing them that they’re not alone. I know that was a major issue for me when this all started was that I felt really emotional and alone, because I could explain it a million different times to a million different people, but them knowing that I’m healthy and never actually experiencing it for themselves, they’ll never really understand. So, if you happen to be someone going through this as well, please feel free to comment below or reach out to me privately so we can talk about it and connect. I would love to hear from you guys about it.

Thanks you guys for reading and following me on this new little journey of mine. I hope you continue to stick around and hopefully see a better me soon.

-Xoxo, LeoGirl ❤

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What’s Been Going On Lately?

Hey Guys,

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these spur of the moment, impromptu, what’s going on with me lately, type posts.

I figure today could be one of those posts because I’ve got SO much stuff running through my mind at the moment that I wanted to share a bit with you guys, so I guess that’s what I’m going to be doing.

* * * * * *

So, where to begin?….

I guess I can start off with the way I’ve been feeling since we’ve gotten back from our trip.

The first couple of days were genuinely tough, not only because of the jet-lag that I was dealing with, but also because of the vacation withdrawals I was going through.

Vacation withdrawals are a VERY real thing; some people take it serious and some just brush it off because they know that they’ve enjoyed their time during the vacation, and now it’s over, and that’s okay. But for me, it REALLY sucked when it was over.

Why?

I guess because it was the first trip I had gone on in SUCH a long time, I was planning it for SO long and it was the first trip that I had ever completely paid for and planned on my own. We had such an amazing time and were so care-free while over there, it was great.

And then we came back to reality and went back to our normal routines, which is fine because that’s what’s supposed to happen, but it made me realize that I don’t really like my normal routine, and I know I can be doing SO much more.

I went back to working both jobs that take up AT LEAST 75% of my time most days, which I’m VERY grateful to have because some people aren’t as lucky, BUT neither of them are what I REALLY want to be doing…

It left me thinking a lot lately about why I’m giving so much of my time and energy to these things that leave me with little to no free-time for myself to be working on the things that actually matter to me? Obviously I need to work, and obviously I need money. However, why continue to give all this time and energy to these things that are in no way, shape, or form adding real meaning to my life nor my career??

*I’m predominantly referring to my second job, not my primary one, btw.*

Doing this, I’ve quickly realized, is actually what’s sucking the energy, motivation and creativity away from me. It’s leaving me exhausted all of the time, and is what’s forcing me to have lack of motivation to do anything but rest really.

* * * * * *

My writing and blog are SO important to me, and because of all this, it’s caused me to have writer’s block more so than what I normally would have. I know the type of things I want to write and talk about, but I’ve been second guessing myself SO much recently and don’t actually know or feel like they’re interesting enough to publish on my site.

I’m such a perfectionist and have such high expectations for myself that it’s hard for me to actually put myself and my writing out there sometimes when I don’t feel like it’s my best, and this just adds on to it since I feel like I’m not really giving it my all.

I mean, who wants to post just to post? Not me.

I want to make sure that if I’m posting and putting myself out there, it’s because I’m giving you guys my best.

I’m also well-aware that I’ve got no one to blame but myself for this, because I’m the one who chose to pick up a second job, and money-wise it’s been okay, but at what cost?

I’m past the point of doing these things and jobs that don’t mean much to me. I want and need to start focusing more on finding things that make me happy and continue to be an asset to my life as well as my creativity.

I want to be happy doing the work that I am, and although I was content with these things, jobs, etc. for a while, I’m realizing more and more that it’s time to take a step back from all of that (while being smart about it obviously), and really begin to look for and do work in the specific field that I want.

That being said, I’m making the executive decision to make some big changes in my life in the coming weeks/months.

I don’t know exactly what all of them will be and how I’m going to go about them, but even if I did, I don’t think it would be the best and/or smartest thing to do to tell you guys them just yet (I’m sort of superstitious in that sense). Once they become more final, I will be sure to share them with you guys as much as I can and bring you guys along in my journey as I’ve always promised that I would!!

* * * * * *

On a separate and somewhat more POSITIVE note, I’ve really been trying my best since coming back to keep myself as busy as possible with the fun and more creative stuff that I like to do like with my blog, planning other trips/events and shooting more content for my Instagram.

I told myself (as well as Diego since he is my photographer) that I want and need to be more consistent when it comes to my content on Instagram. Social media isn’t everything, but it is and I think always will be a BIG portion of where my following comes from, so it is very much true what people tend to say, that consistency IS key. So there’s that.

I’ve also seriously been considering more and more recently creating a YouTube channel.

This really isn’t anything new and is actually something I’ve been saying I want to try doing for a while now, but I don’t know….lately I’ve been watching a TON of different videos which has been inspiring me more and more to want to finally do it.

I need to figure a few more things out as far as how I’m going to have the separation between creating enjoyable content for you guys both for my blog here and on the channel, but let’s see…….LeoGirl could be coming to YouTube soon, who knows? 😏 stay tuned for that.

And finally, Diego and I have a few things coming up soon that are pretty exciting. Nothing that’s too through the roof and extravagant, but a few things that are really fun and exciting for us that I can’t wait for you guys to see, INCLUDING a very possible trip for my own birthday in August…..🤪, it’s still in the works, but remember what I told you guys, when I really want and/or put my mind to something, I will ALWAYS find a way to make it happen 😇.

* * * * * *

I’m really trying to remain positive because I know all of this that I’ve been feeling lately is only temporary, but I wanted to share it with you guys in hopes that it’ll show you if you’re feeling the same way at all (about any of these things), that you are not alone.

It’s a sucky feeling to have in the moment, but unfortunately that’s life, and it happens. The only thing we can do is try to think ahead and hope that we can find solutions to these things and/or have things to look forward to before it gets us down.

Regardless, I hope you guys enjoyed this post. Please like, share, follow and comment, and I’ll see you guys in my next one.

-Xoxo, LeoGirl ❤

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Year-End Reflection Of 2018

I’m not going to pretend like this is going to be a super motivational post, because let’s be real…..2018 fucking sucked (personally). A lot of shit happened, a lot of shit went wrong and just generally, it wasn’t great.

I like to try and always stay positive and attempt to see the upside of things, but let’s be real, this year was a rough one. From personal stuff with family, to personal mental/internal stuff, to financial stuff, etc., the list can go on and on unfortunately. It’s just been a lot to take in within a year.

* * * * * *

I thought from the beginning that 2018 was going to be an AMAZING year. I swore by it. But, sometimes things, life, etc., just doesn’t go as planned. And if there’s anything that 2018 taught me, it’s that.

However, I must admit that with the bad certainly does come the good (to some extent). In spite of all the things that I briefly mentioned I dealt with this year, there were a few minor blessings as well.

For example, I just recently (2 days ago) hit my goal of wanting to get 100 followers on my blog before the end of 2018, which I now officially have surpassed with a current total of 102 followers (thank you to every single person who’s been following me from beginning until now and even recently started following).

I also made a year at my current job in September, and have worked my ASS off this year to ensure that my bosses, colleagues, etc. know that I am hardworking, reliable, dependent, and trustworthy with any and all work they give me. Which, has led me to recently have not only received a pretty great bonus from my boss, but also just as great of a raise as well!

I also was recently able to pick up a second job, which, although has been EXTREMELY tiring and time-consuming, has been great money-wise for not only paying my bills, but also for a little extra pocket money.

Those are pretty much the “biggest things/accomplishments” that happened for me in 2018. Is that sad? I don’t know, I don’t think so, because you’ve gotta shed some light on the little things that make you feel happy and accomplished just as much as you do the big things sometimes. Giving yourself credit when it’s due.

* * * * * *

With that being said, I also want to bring up how passive I was throughout 2018. Meaning, I was unintentionally super laid back. I let things and people get to me, that I not only should not have, but also I should’ve said more to stick up for myself. I let a lot of behaviors and situations go by that I should not have. I let myself get to such a depressive state in my life without asking and/or getting any sort of help to the point where I felt like I wanted to take my own life. And I just generally didn’t fight and/or push for anything to happen in my life in 2018 BECAUSE of how passive, depressed, and just generally tired I was of life.

These were all things though that, had I taken control of early on, could’ve made ALL the difference. I probably would not be in the position that I am right now, nor would I have been a few months ago.

* * * * * *

Without getting into TOO much detail about it, I just wanted to bring this up to point out that I didn’t make anything happen for myself in 2018. I sat back and attempted to WAIT for things to happen and get done, without realizing that thats not how it works. Sure, I should’ve known that and you hear people tell you that ALL the time, but actually experiencing it for yourself is a WHOLE other level of hurt, anxiety and depression.

It sucks. But, you know what they say, you live and learn.

I’m making a promise to myself to not have a repeat of 2018, in 2019. 2019 is going to be all about making shit happen for myself. I will no longer sit and wait for things to come to me. Whatever happens from here on out, will happen because I want and am making it happen that way.

I’m speaking it into existence (and have been a lot recently if you happen to follow me on social media) that 2019 is going to be THAT year. I don’t typically tend to like odd numbers, BUT, I think and feel like 2019 is going to be a GREAT year for myself, as well as my loved ones. A lot is going to happen and get accomplished, and I can’t wait to see the results slowly start to take place.

As for 2018 as a whole, the only other thing I’ve really got left to say to you is thank you, next….and 2019, I’m comin’ for ya.

* * * * * *

I’m sorry that this post was sort of all over the place, but these were just a few of the thoughts I was having of not only the past year, but also of what’s to come in the future that I wanted to share with you all.

I hope you guys enjoyed this post, and have a very happy and healthy new year with your family, friends, significant others and general loved ones.

Please follow, like share and comment, and I’ll see you guys next year!

Cheers to 2019……!

leo-cheers

-Xoxo, LeoGirl ❤

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