I hope you’re all doing well and staying safe throughout everything that has been going on in the world recently.
Life has been really crazy, and I’m not even just talking about with quarantine anymore…..but that’s a conversation for another day.
I wanted to make this post today to be honest with you guys and let you in on what’s been going on with me recently. I made a YouTube video talking all about it a few days ago which I’ll leave linked here if you want to check it out.
I wanted to be able to make a blog post talking about it because I know I sort of have a different type of audience here then I do on my other platforms and that parts of my audience would rather read then watch videos on things like this, so here we are.
I know in my previous blog posts I had mentioned how I was really content throughout our time in quarantine and actually really enjoyed it and was getting a ton of work done, but I guess deep down, that wasn’t true at all.
My guess is that although originally I was content in the beginning and okay with being home all this time, the more time I spent at home, the more it started to get to me….
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About a month ago on May 14th, I suffered from what I can only assume was my first panic attack. It was a random Thursday afternoon at about 5pm, I wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary other than working like I always did, when suddenly I started to feel really weird internally. I started to feel lightheaded and almost like my heart rate was dropping. So, I went into the kitchen to see and talk to my mom in hopes that it would distract me and the feeling would go away, because I figured that I was probably just sitting in front of my computer for too long. When I got up, I felt slightly worse, and I told my mom what I was feeling, that it felt like I could barely breath and like I was going to pass out at any minute (thankfully I didn’t though). We weren’t really sure what was happening so all we did was have me drink really cold water and throw some cold water on my face and neck. After I just walked up and down my driveway to get some air and stretch my legs…..that was the first episode. It went away shortly after that, but it was the official start of me having anxiety.
The next serious/scary episode was about 3 days later when my mom and I decided to take a little walk to this store nearby our house. Well that “little walk” ended up turning into a 5 mile one when we decided to walk to this Target that’s about 20 minutes more or less away. The walk going was nice, we took our time and just enjoyed it all, but once we actually got to the Target, everything changed…we got there and the line to get in was a little ridiculous, but people were telling us that it was going relatively quick, so we decided to wait about 5-10 minutes on line and see how far we got. As SOON as we got to the back of the line, I immediately started to feel almost exactly how I did on Thursday, and like I was going to pass out. I obviously got very nervous since we were in a very public place and it was just mom and I. Within 2 minutes, I ended up telling my mom that we should just go, so we did. I honestly don’t even know how I managed to get home. The whole walk home was miserable, my chest was tight, I was lightheaded and my right arm started to feel numb-ish. It was all just very scary. We finally ended up getting home, and again, everything ended up being somewhat okay and going away.
The days following this one were on and off…..one day I would feel anxious and uneasy, the next, I was fine. The whole thing was just really scary because who ever wants to feel like they can’t breath, even if it is all mental? The more it happened, the more freaked out and anxious I was throughout the day; constantly feeling nervous, constantly feeling my heart area to make sure that it WAS beating, etc. It was even scarier not knowing WHY any of this was happening. We had our guesses, but we had no way to know for sure.
Due to the circumstances of COVID-19, relatively everything was still closed at the time, and the last thing we wanted to do was go all the way to the hospital with all of this going on, if it wasn’t serious, AND rack up a ridiculous hospital bill for the check-up. However, the Tuesday following Memorial Day weekend , we were FINALLY able to get an appointment with my primary physician. It was the most exciting and nerve-racking thing. Exciting because I was FINALLY going to find out if something was wrong, but nerve-racking because what if something WAS wrong and serious?
Sure enough, thank GOD, my doctor checked all the important stuff (my heart, lungs, stomach and blood pressure) and everything internally was fine to him. Although he’s not a therapist in any way, shape or form, based off of everything I was telling him that I felt, he basically confirmed what we were all assuming it was, which was stress and anxiety.
As soon as we left the doctor I almost instantly felt a wave of relief. Yes, it still sucked that I was feeling and going through all of these things, but unbelievably relieved to know that it was nothing seriously wrong with me internally. It also almost entirely confirmed what we assumed it was, so we were then able to actually look into things and treatments for anxiety. It gave us some type of clarity.
Ever since than, I’ve been doing research like crazy online, readings books about it, and looking for recommendations for how to help my anxiety.
It’s been a little over a month now that I’ve been dealing with this, and although it can be really scary, there are good and bad days, and I can honestly say that things haven’t been anywhere near as bad as they were when it all started. I think I’m finally getting a handle on this.
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I want to apologize because I almost feel like I lied to you guys about how I was feeling in my previous posts, but it wasn’t my intention. I genuinely felt like I was content and okay with being home working all this time, but deep down like I said, I wasn’t. I guess between quarantine from the virus and everything else going on in the news/world, it really started to get to me.
It got so bad that I couldn’t focus on my work, and I was barely eating and sleeping. Anxiety can be such a scary thing if you don’t know or learn how to control it. It makes you feel like you’re losing yourself and you have no control of getting yourself back.
In my next post, I’m going to be sharing with you guys some of the things that have been helping me cope/ease my mind and anxiety for the past month, so make sure you stay tuned for that.
I hope this post was informative and gave you guys a better sense of where I’ve been and how I’ve really been doing. It’s been really hard, and it’s kind of felt like I’ve lost myself in the past month or so, but everyday I’m working towards getting better, stronger and healthier again, and I can’t wait for the day that I can finally say I’m 100% feeling myself again.
It was also really important for me to share this with you guys in hopes of it possibly inspiring someone else to come out with their story and showing them that they’re not alone. I know that was a major issue for me when this all started was that I felt really emotional and alone, because I could explain it a million different times to a million different people, but them knowing that I’m healthy and never actually experiencing it for themselves, they’ll never really understand. So, if you happen to be someone going through this as well, please feel free to comment below or reach out to me privately so we can talk about it and connect. I would love to hear from you guys about it.
Thanks you guys for reading and following me on this new little journey of mine. I hope you continue to stick around and hopefully see a better me soon.
-Xoxo, LeoGirl ❤