A Letter to Those People That Are No Longer Apart of My Life

To whom it may apply,

Truthfully, there is no real reason for me to have to sit here and explain myself or my actions to anyone, but out of courtesy, this is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, and feel like I want to do.

There is also no reason for me to apologize for the decisions I’ve made unless it’s actually harmed anyone in any way, which, I highly doubt has happened. However, I feel like there are some things I want and need to get off my chest for the reasoning behind these actions which I’ll express in this letter.

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As I’ve mentioned several times in some of my previous posts recently, I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I’ve realized that I no longer have time for taking and/or dealing with crap from anyone; whether you are a friend, family, or even from passing strangers. And because I’ve made that realization, it’s forced me to make the conscious decision to have to cut all of the “dead weight”, so to speak, out of my life, that which includes some people and things that have been with me for YEARS.

If you happen to be one of those people, I do to some extent want to apologize because I realize that for some, it may have been or seemed sudden and out of nowhere. I’m not apologizing for me actually doing it, but the way that I did it. And although it may have seemed sudden to some, for me, it had most likely been building up for a number of months, if not years.

If you know me, you know that I tend to stay quiet for a lot, and if I’m your friend and/or an important person or part of your life, I will be there for you through thick and thin, no matter what. You can call me, text me, etc. and I’ll be there for you without question. My point in bringing this up is that because I’m like that, it takes A LOT (believe it or not) for me to finally give up and walk away from someone.

That being said, believe it or not for some of you that I’ve cut out, it wasn’t the easiest decision to make…Some of you that had been apart of my life for more than 10+ years. Some that we started out school together way back when. Some that I had been there for through some really serious shit; family stuff, relationship stuff, etc. But as time went on, and I started to be more hyperaware of all of the people and things around me, and where I knew I wanted to be with my life, I realized that my perception on a lot of these people and things had changed, because their actions towards me and their general habits were speaking louder then anything else.

None of them were going the extra mile for me, as I had with them. None of them would reach out to me, the way I did with them. And none of them would be there for me when I needed it, the same way I was with them. As a result, I started distancing myself, little by little. Those people started seeing and hearing from me less and less until it got to a point where they didn’t hear from me at all. Which was ironic because when I did to them what they did to me, they didn’t like it and would get upset with me about it, which made my decision to cut them out THAT much easier.

It was a harsh realization for me, but something that I knew had to be done in order for me to benefit myself and my future. I knew deep down that if I kept these people in my life that weren’t benefiting and/or lifting me up in anyway, that they were just going to end up holding me back later on down the line. Is that selfish? Probably, but in a healthy selfish way, I think.

Please trust, that if you REALLY knew me, you would’ve known that I never do anything to get anything in return; whether that’s materialistically or otherwise…BUT if you were a good, TRUE friend in general, out of courtesy and respect, you would’ve done for me everything that I had for you.

And to reiterate what I said in the beginning, I am sorry to some extent, because maybe the way I went about it all wasn’t exactly “the right way,” as in not saying anything, and just distancing myself, and I should’ve spoken to you about it. But, in my mind at the time, not only did I think that it was the easiest way to do it all, but I didn’t think it needed to be said, because any decent person would do for others what they wanted and expected other people that they consider ‘friends’ to do for them.

Truthfully, I just needed to do what was best for myself, because I’ve learned that not everyone is going to have the same mentality as me, and/or want the same things as me. Some people are just content with everything that they have at the moment and don’t care to do or want more, which is okay in its own way.

Just to be clear, I’m saying all of this now and it may or may not seem as if I’m upset and/or hurt by all of this, I mean I was, but please do not doubt that I am so beyond over all of this. I’ve made peace with everything that’s gone on. I’ve closed those chapters of my life, and am not holding any grudges towards any of those people or things, but I’m simply just telling “my side” of things.

Some people and things are just not meant to be permanent in your life, and I’ve come to make peace with that. It is unfortunate at times, but it’s all in God’s plan for us.

* * * * * *

I hope to some, this was some sort of form of closure, although who even knows if you actually want, need it or care. And to others, I just hope it means we can peacefully close that chapter, put it behind us and move on with our lives without issue and/or drama. There is no bad blood. There is no “tea to be spilled.” There is no drama or “beef”. There is nothing but the memories of what was and what currently is.

**Note: This letter was not in any way a form of singling out any particular person, but actually, I had a variety of people in mind when writing this which there is no need to mention them, because they most likely know who they are, and if they don’t that’s fine too.**

Sincerely,

Emily Hernandez

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What A Week…

Hi Guys.

Today’s post is about nothing in particular other than some general thoughts and feelings that I’ve been having.

Mentally, this week has been rough. I’ve been feeling so tired, lost and hopeless with everything in my life for some reason.

You ever have those days where you just start over-thinking and over-analyzing EVERY little thing in your life, to the point where it almost feels like you’ve got nothing going for yourself at the moment? Well, that’s been me all week.

For those of you that aren’t aware or are just new to my blog, I suffer from anxiety and depression, and have for a few years now (I’ll leave my post that I wrote all about it linked here in case you wanted to check it out). For me it’s always been an on and off thing. Meaning, it’ll hit me and stick around for a few hours or a day or so, but then I’ll do things to be able to make myself feel better and it’ll go away for a while. This week, however, has been completely different.

There’s something about it this week that I just haven’t been able to shake, and I’ve been going nuts trying to figure out why, but, I think I’ve finally figured it out…

* * * * * *

As the last couple days of me being 22 go by, I can’t help but reflect on the past year and everything going on in my life. Among other personal things, one question in particular has been nagging at me for days now: Is all of this really the best that I can do? Sure I’m young and still have so much time in my life to be able to improve and do more, but at this very point in my life, am I happy and content with everything at the moment?

And the answer, very simply put, is no I’m not.

I’ve always been one to be very open about my feelings with the things I go through and the things that I want. More specifically, my future. I’ve always felt that I’m meant to do something BIG; I’ve never been entirely sure what that ‘something’ is, but I’ve always said, and still stick by, that that feeling gets stronger with each day that passes. And so, when I get in these depressive states the way I have been this week, it’s SO frustrating for me. Frustrating because I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. Frustrating because I haven’t figured out what that ‘something’ is yet.

I tend to go through periods of time where I get sick and tired of living the same daily routine over and over again; going to work, to the gym, home, etc. Yes, obviously I enjoy all of these things, and they are all things somewhat mandated in order for me to live a decent life, but it’s just so repetitive that it drives me nuts sometimes and makes me feel like I’m not doing anything REALLY ‘exciting’ or ‘worth it’ the way other people around me (that are more or less the same age) are.

I have to constantly remind myself that this, everything that I’m doing and going through right now, are just rough patches, and me  just “paying my dues” until it’s my time to shine (so to speak), and that everyone does things at their own time and pace.

I don’t necessarily think I’m in a rush to make any of these things happen or force it, whereas I just continue to wonder when exactly it’ll be “my time.”

I think my problem is that although I know what I want, I really don’t take enough risks to get these things. I let things get to me and discourage/bring me down too quickly. I work hard but maybe not hard enough. And I HATE change. It freaks me out and gives me SUCH anxiety because I’m so used to certain things and routines, that when I see things start to change, I sort of shut down…

I also just need to remember that God has a plan for me. He knows what He’s doing, and everything will happen in due time when He knows it’s the right time.

* * * * * *

That being said, I turn 23 next Friday, and my goal from now until than is really to make a plan for myself and my life that I fully intend to keep. Plan out all of my goals, make a list of things I want to do/accomplish, and make them all happen one by one.

This year, being 22, and 2018 in general, has been really hard thus far for me. I’ve been through so much. I realized and learned a lot about myself and the people around me. I realized that I need to give myself more credit for the things I’ve accomplished in my life thus far, but I also know that I’m nowhere near where I want or am going to be in the future. I am officially choosing to be happy, and let go of any and all things that I have no control over, and not let things get to me as much anymore. Granted, I know that’s a bold statement and going to take a while for me to actually follow through with, but I’m officially speaking it into existence!!

My goal for this upcoming year (and the years to come) is to really welcome/accept change and take more risks. Just go for it and not think twice about doing things and making mistakes along the way, because if it’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that sometimes you really need to just say ‘fuck it’, and do what makes YOU happy no matter what the people around you say or think.

Mental health is SO important, and not enough people are talking about and/or taking it seriously. If you’re not good mentally, how can you be good in any other way? I almost feel like it’s impossible. I absolutely hate feeling the way that I do most times, and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy because there’s no worse feeling then feeling like you’re not worth it. I feel like this is the majority of what I talk about on here at some point or another in my posts now, but do things that make you happy. Be selfish sometimes, even if it means you have to do the things that make you happy alone, because I’ve realized that you get to be your truest, and best version of YOU when you’re happy and in the right state of mind (mentally).

Wow this was a therapy session all in itself.. 😂

Thank you for taking the time to actually read my stuff, and I hope you guys have a great weekend. I’ll see you next week for a new post!

-Xoxo, Leo Girl ❤ Read More

Making The Most Out of a Bad Situation

By now it’s been about 2 weeks since all of the craziness that’s gone on in the Bronx and circulated pretty much all of the local news outlets on a constant loop. I, originally, was not at all going to speak on this, which I know a ton of people have been saying constantly lately, but I most definitely was not. For those of you that don’t know, this blog has always been a space for me to be as open, honest and creative as I’d like, BUT, when it comes to crazy, controversial topics like the stuff that’s gone on in the Bronx, I prefer to steer clear of it altogether. Not because I’m scared of sharing my opinion, but because I don’t like to speak on things that I don’t have all of the facts on. I find that most people who do that end up making themselves look dumb, and I’m not about that. That being said, I’m not going to directly speak about the events that occurred in the Bronx recently, but I am going to indirectly refer to it and give my general thoughts on what happened, how it made me feel, what’s next, etc.

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I’ve never been one to hate or be ashamed of where I come from (the South Bronx), in fact, I’ve actually always been proud to tell people that that’s where I’m from, in spite of all the negative things people tend to say and think about it. My thought has always been that there are good and bad places everywhere. Good and bad things that happen everywhere. Good and bad people everywhere, it’s almost inevitable, and I had grown up here in the South Bronx where things like gang violence, shootings, etc. happened on a regular basis.

I was always a firm believer that even though the South Bronx has its rough edges, as a whole, it’s come SO far from where it once was 10, 20, even 30 years ago. Hell, I was so passionate about that that I wrote my entire senior project in college about that; a 10,000+ word, 30 page paper/story on just exactly that (which I got an A on btw 😉 ) because I was determined to make a point. As a whole, the Bronx has made SO many positive changes in an effort to make it a better place. But I guess sometimes it’s true what people say, that the more things change, the more they stay the same…

* * * * * *

It’s not at all a secret the events that have occurred here in the Bronx recently, so much so that a lot of it has actually gone global. And from what I’ve been seeing and hearing, a lot of people are upset and annoyed because they’re questioning why everyone seems so surprised about the events that have occurred, as if any of this is anything new. Like these things in the Bronx haven’t ALWAYS been happening, and you know what? They are 100% right, it’s nothing new, and nothing that a lot of us have not seen and/or heard before, but that reasoning or “excuse” will NEVER make things like what’s happened okay.

It’s so much bigger THIS TIME because of all of the graphic pictures and videos that have been shared non-stop on not just one or two, but ALL social media outlets. It was 1000 times MORE publicized then your average news coverage stories that you see on Fox 5 News @10 every night.

Kids and people in general are scared to come outside because of how publicized these things have been and never knowing what’s going to happen after they leave the comforts of their own homes. I know I personally felt like that the past two weeks. I don’t think my anxiety had ever been so high before. I was paranoid all of the time; on the trains, walking near some people, walking home by myself at night, etc. I had a panic attack at LEAST 3 times that week because of it all. And to some, that may be silly or stupid, especially since I was born and raised in this city, but I think it’s a legitimate fear especially with how frequent these incidences were occurring and how close to home they were. No one should have to live their life like that. I am 1000% a believer of not living life in fear, because doing that is only going to make you miss out on things that life has to offer you, but this was a whole other level, as we all witnessed.

What has our world truly come to when there are grown ass men (and women) out here preying on kids? Not only that, but kids out here killing kids, ACTING like their grown. And for what? Because they were being bothered by them? For superiority purposes? To make some sort of statement and put fear into the eyes of other kids and their families? As a community, we’ve got to do better. In recent years, and months even, there have been more parents having to bury their kids then the other way around, and it NEEDS to stop. All of these fake thugs wandering around the streets jumping and killing people for absolutely no reason. People really need to learn that not everything needs a reaction, and sometimes you really just have to let shit go because it’s not worth losing your life over, or someone you care about.

People really think that it’s all fun and games being out in the streets, doing the crazy shit they do…..until they get caught and arrested. Then what? Who’s going to be there for you when you’re locked up and don’t have anywhere to go or anyone to turn to?

But to the same extent you almost can’t blame some of these kids (not fully anyway), because it all starts at home. Who’s around them. What they’re seeing. What they’re parents are allowing, what these people are bringing around them, etc., the list can go on and on. These people/kids also turn to the streets seeking some sort of comfort and entertainment that they’re not receiving at home or otherwise. I’ve seen it in SO many kids for years working at the after-school/summer camp that I did, and it is SO sad because these kids would much rather spend their time out in the streets with their “friends”, doing absolutely nothing productive as opposed to actually trying to make something of themselves and their future.

Personally, I would never use that as an excuse, because if I were to be brought up in a shitty environment, with shitty parents, no money, etc., that would only motivate the crap out of me to do and want better for not only myself, but also my future family. And I’m not at all trying to downplay it, because I know for a fact that it wouldn’t be easy, but at least you would do the smart thing which is to be above all of the BS that you went through and see around you.

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I’ve got to believe for my own sanity that change is possible. It can and will happen; it’s going to take time, but it will. We need to make a SERIOUS change, mainly in the way these kids are brought up nowadays because they are the future. Kids nowadays are constantly isolating themselves indoors on their cell phones, Ipads, tablets, etc. wasting their youth away. They should be outside experiencing parks, camps, museums, actual HUMAN INTERACTION, ANYTHING that is going to be entertaining and beneficial to them later on in life and keeps them off the streets getting themselves into trouble.

Times like these always makes me reflect on my life and the people around me. It really puts things into perspective that nothing in life is guaranteed tomorrow, not even your own life. It shouldn’t take things like this to happen for you to be grateful, but it’s almost like another one of those inevitable things that tends to happen. Be grateful for everything and everyone in your life today. Give your loved ones a hug and kiss and tell them how much you love them and how much they mean to you. Don’t take things for granted. Don’t go to bed upset. Do things that make you happy. Right the wrongs in your life at the moment, because life is way too short and precious to let it pass you by with nothing to show for it and have petty things ruin it.

In times like these it really does take a village to make change happen. And as cliche as it sounds, we need to be the change that we wish to see in the world. It starts with us. The Bronx is NOT a bad area, it’s the people in it that are making it bad, and this change will only happen if we continue to band together the way that we have been doing during recent events. What we were all able to accomplish when we came together for a common goal in recent events was truly amazing; imagine what else we all could do if we continued to work together at other common goals, and that is NOT limited to just making a change in the Bronx.

Take what’s happened and use it as motivation to humble yourself, be grateful for everything you have RIGHT NOW, and try doing something to help out in making a difference for the future. You never know what you would be able to do or start on your own, or with other people.

-Xoxo, Leo Girl ❤