Paw Prints On Our Hearts

This is a post that I never thought I would have to write or ever even think of. It’s something that not a lot of people tend to fully understand unless they’ve actually had one or experienced it firsthand; and that is witnessing and/or experiencing the death of a pet.

On Friday, November 3rd, at about 1 o’clock in the afternoon, I lost my absolute best friend in the entire world. If you knew me, you knew him, there was no way you didn’t. And even if you didn’t know me and you had me on social media, you still knew him somehow because I would always post about him; pictures, videos, etc.

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I’ve never known a loss like that before, and me just being the way that I am, have thought about it numerous amounts of times before; what it would probably end up being like, how I would probably feel, how my family would feel, and what we would even do after it happened. But believe me when I say that it was nowhere near the sadness and pain that I actually felt when I found out Spencer was gone.

I suppose when I really think about it though, my dad has it the worse than all of us in my family because he was alone in the house with him and the one who found him. He said it happened right after he sat down from making his lunch on Friday, he was about to take the first bite of his sandwich when all of a sudden he heard a fairly loud “hmmm,” it was like a huge sigh coming from Spencer. That was when he realized Spencer was behind him, so he turned around and was like “hey Spence, you okay? What’s goin on fats?” (because that’s what he would call him). And typically  when he would call him like that, Spencer would jump up and run to wherever my dad was, and this time he didn’t. My dad saw that he was sleeping, or so he thought, so he looked at him closer and realized he wasn’t seeing his stomach move up and down like it typically did when he was sleeping. He got nervous, and his initial reaction was “oh no, god no…,” so he got up, went closer to him to get a better look, and that’s when he realized that Spencer was gone….

It was basically like he heard Spencer take his last breath.

My dad hadn’t told anyone because my mom, brother and I were all at work and he didn’t want us to freak out halfway through the day and rush home. It wasn’t until about 3-4 pm that he finally got a hold of my brother, broke the news to him about what happened, and asked his advice on how to tell my mom and I. My brother agreed that he shouldn’t tell us until we got home where we could grieve in the comforts of our own home for as long as we needed.

It just so happened, however, that my mom was working this weekend and wouldn’t be home until the next day, Saturday afternoon,  so he felt he should wait until than to tell her. I on the other hand, happened to have to work late that day, so by the time I finally got home it was about 7 o’clock; we had dinner, spoke like normal about how our days went, and that was that. I don’t remember if it was when I first got home, or after we finished having dinner and we were cleaning up that I had asked him where Spencer was and he never gave me an answer about it. Actually, he kind of just ignored it altogether and started speaking about something else.

I found it weird because my dad is a neat freak, so he’s that type when we finish eating, he rushes us to finish up so we could move out of his way so that he can just clean everything up. But this was different, this time I was washing my hands from having finished eating and I don’t know if I was actually “taking long”, or if he was just really anxious to finally tell me what he had been bottling up all day, but he came out of nowhere and was like “hurry up! Aren’t you done yet????” And I just looked at him like …..okay…..? Are you really getting mad at me for this right now? I was just really confused. And then he came out with it. “I have something to tell you,” he said. “What?,” I said. And if you know me, you know that I automatically get really nervous when something like that is said to me (thanks a lot anxiety). “I don’t like this,” I said to him. And all he said was “Spencer….,” and I just backed away and knew. “No…..no no no no no!!” And that’s when I just dropped to the floor and broke.

I’m pretty sure I scared the fuck out of him because of the way that I broke down. I have never broken down like that before; I was screaming, crying, and hyperventilating. I literally felt like I couldn’t breathe, as if someone, an actual person that I knew and loved had died. I scared everyone that I had spoken to that night, my dad, brother and boyfriend. No one ever seen or heard me break down like that, I was inconsolable, and all because I knew that I had lost Spencer forever.

* * * * * * *

People would tell me all the time whenever I told them how much I loved Spencer, like “Oh really?…but he’s just a cat?” But he wasn’t “just a cat”, he was so much more than that. I can’t even fully put into words how much more than “just a cat” he was. It was like he was part human, part horse, part dog, and then cat. If you heard the way he slept, he snored like a grown man. When he was slightly skinnier, younger and able to run around, you would hear him running around the house, galloping like a little horse. We had taught him the tricks of fetch, and how to roll over like a dog. He was the most chill, loving, funny little fat cat you would ever meet. Even people that had a strong disliking for cats, lost that entire feeling they had about them when they met Spencer. It was almost like how could you NOT love him after meeting him.

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* * * * * * *

We had Spencer for 13, almost 14 years. I still remember the day that we got him. It was nearly mid-October, and my parents didn’t say a word to us other than that they had a surprise for us. I remember being in the car with my parents and brother, and there being a towel, a little bottle, and a few other baby-related things, almost giving us (or mainly me) the impression that we were going to have a baby. They had taken us out to breakfast at this diner, then afterwards I remember being in the car, driving past all these houses until we stopped at one in particular. A friend of my mom’s, her name was Susan Downes. My mom introduced us to her, and we didn’t end up going inside the house, but I remember being in front of it, and if you stuck your head out towards the right a little, you saw these little things running to the opposite side towards the house next to theirs (which at the time I obviously didn’t know what any of them were). But I came to find that those little bunny type things that kept running back and forth were actually kittens. We kept watching them run from side to side as if they were playing tag with each other. It was the cutest thing! Then I remember seeing her husband coming towards us and having one of them in his hands, and then it all clicked….we were getting a kitten! It was the most exciting thing ever. It just so happened that that first one her husband brought to us was black, and my dad didn’t think that was “the one,” and it wasn’t until he went back to the backyard that my dad saw this little gray and white one run across by himself, that he knew, THAT was the one that had to be ours. So Susan’s husband grabbed that one, and that had officially become our new little baby. Picking his name was pretty easy because we had just so happened to be on Spencer St., and we ended up really liking the name and felt it suited him really well. And from than on, he had officially become the newest addition to our little family.

* * * * * * *

Nearly 14 years later, and here we are. Who knew such a chubby little animal would come to mean so much to my family and I. This little four-legged animal that probably didn’t know or understand half the stuff he’d encountered throughout his little life, managed to touch all of our lives so deeply with just his presence alone.

Spencer, I love you so much, WE love you so much. You have no idea how unbelievably loved you were and how devastated we are now with your absence. You were anything but JUST a cat; I don’t even know what to consider you, like a little brother? A son? A friend? My best friend…you were always there. In the mornings when I would come out of the bathroom from brushing up, sitting right outside the door. When I was getting ready to leave for work, sitting by the door watching me as I got my stuff ready. When I came home late at night from work and the gym, sitting next to me while I had my dinner. When I wanted a little snack at night, following me to the kitchen so that you could get a piece of whatever it is I had, especially if it were chocolate. When dad was vacuuming the house, if I was downstairs you come and sit next to or under me because you felt safer that way, or you would run upstairs and find where I was to stay with me until he finished. If I was sad, upset or even if I was just plain relaxing in my room, you would come and just lay down and fall asleep right next to me and my bed and stay with me there for the entire night.

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I think that’s what I’ll miss most, your presence next to me. Just having you next to me, even if you were just sleeping, something so simple and innocent, me looking at you would make me smile. And now that’s gone, and I really don’t know how things are going to get better from this if I’m being completely honest.

I don’t know how people do this…I love animals, always have and always will; and if you really know me you know that if I could, I would have a ton of cats and dogs live with me in my house, but after this? I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to do it again. Life and death is inevitable, and I know that, but the amount of pain I felt and the memory in general that followed from this is something I’ll end up carrying with me for the rest of my life.

You are so loved and will never be forgotten or replaced little one.

“Sometimes, the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.”

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I love you Spencer, and I’m going to miss you so much.

All About Me

Hey Guys!

I know it’s pretty early in the day (or at least it is where I’m at on the East Coast), and typically something like this is really only done in YouTube videos for the most part, but I figure it would be a fun little way for you to get to know me a bit. I’m going to attempt to do as many of these as I can. I’m also going to try and make it as interesting as possible as far as the questions, and not have all of them be like super basic ones lol.

Also, before I start, I just wanted to mention about my posts, that I’m not exactly sure when or how often I’ll be posting, because I haven’t come up with a sort of schedule for it yet, but I’m going to try and post as often as I can. It might not be every single day, back to back, like yesterday and today, but if I can do it 3-4 times a week, I think that would be pretty good. Right? I don’t know, I’ll have to figure it out, and when I do, I’ll probably write a post about it updating you guys. But let me stop rambling and get to the point of this post now lol, here we go….

All About Me Tag:

1. My name: Emily Hernandez

2. What does your name mean?: So I had to Google this one, because I never really knew what my name meant, but what came up pretty much is that it’s Latin for industrious; striving.

3. Where are you from?: I’m going to assume this is like a nationality question, so I’ll say that I’m Puerto Rican and Italian.

4. Where do you live?: I live in the South Bronx right now.

5. What do you do for a living?: I just started my first full-time job out of college as a receptionist.

6. Favorite color(s): Red, Purple, and Burgundy. Ignorant people will say that red and burgundy are pretty much the same, but they are not!!! >:[

7. Favorite holiday: Christmas. If you know me, you know I am truly OBSESSED with that holiday lol.

8. Are you competitive?: Not all the time, but I definitely think I can be for certain things.

9. What is on top of your bucket list?: Oh boy, this is probably vague, but honestly it’s just to be able to travel all over the world.

10. What is your biggest accomplishment?: Thus far, as cliche as it may sound, I would say graduating college; and also being blessed to have landed this full-time job within 2 1/2-3 months being out of school.

11. Which of your parents are you more like?: I would have to say my dad, and I would say that sometimes it’s in good ways, and sometimes bad ones.

12. Do you have a best friend, if so, then who? Her name is Michelle 🙂

13. What app do you use most?: I would say it’s a close tie between Instagram and Snapchat.

14. How many relationships have you been in?: Serious ones? Only 2.

15. Do you have pets?: Yes, I have a cat named Spencer ❤ ^_^

16. Have you ever been out of the country, if so how many times?: Yes, and twice.

17. Do you speak any other languages?: I can speak broken Spanish, if that makes sense. And I know certain phrases and what not in Italian.

18. How many siblings do you have?: 1 brother, Chris.

19. Favorite movie: Ugh, there are SO many, i’ll be here forever naming them. But the Harry Potter Series is definitely up there, any Nicholas Sparks movie, the Twilight series, LOL, etc., etc., (am if I wasn’t basic before, am I there now?).

20. Favorite TV show: Friends and/or Power.

21. What phone do you have?: Iphone 6s, the “rose gold” one.

22. How tall are you?: 5’6″.

23. Can you cook?: I can make a couple different meals for breakfast and dinner, but I’m definitely still learning.

24. What is your middle name?: Caitlyn

25. What is your favorite drink?: I’ve been obsessed with Starbucks coffee lately, particularly an iced caramel macchiato with skim milk.

26. What would you (or have you) name your children? I don’t have any children, but for a girl I absolutely LOVE the name Isabella, and for a boy maybe something like Maison.

27. Have you participated in sports?: I used to play volleyball and softball in high school. Currently, I’ll play basketball with my brother and boyfriend every so often, but that’s about it.

28. On a scale from 1-10, rate your childhood: 5.

29. What is your favorite store?: Oh boy… Victoria Secret, Charlotte Russe, Forever 21, H&M, Garage, Barnes and Noble, Fashion Nova, etc. Lol.

30. Did you like school?: This one’s hard. Anyone who knows me knows that I had a very love/hate relationship with school, especially towards the end. (This is definitely a future post I’d like to make to speak more about it and my thoughts on it all).

31. What are some of your favorite YouTubers?: Jaclyn Hill, KathleenLights, Manny MUA, and Amanda Bucci I would say are definitely my top favorites.

32. How long have you known your best friend?: I’ve known her since Freshmen year, but we got close in Sophomore year, so I’ll say 7 years, coming up on 8 soon.

33. What position do you normally sleep in?: Either on my stomach with my face stuffed in my pillow (I know that sounds weird, but no I’m not trying to kill myself), or laying on my right side.

34. Were you part of a clique in high school? I went to an all girls high school, and I don’t really think we had any of that there, unless I was completely oblivious to it. I mean I had my set group of friends that I would be with, and pretty much everyone was like that too, but I don’t know if I would necessarily classify that as having cliques.

35. Have you ever given blood?: I’m Anemic, so I can’t 😦 but I’ve ALWAYS wanted to.

36. Name one movie that made you cry: Marley & Me. It doesn’t matter where I am, how much time has passed since the last time I watched it, or how frequently I watch that movie, I will ALWAYS cry my eyes out like a baby whenever they put Marley down 😥

37. Do you prefer to read poetry, write poetry, or neither?: I’ve tried writing poetry several times before and feel like I suck at it. But recently I’ve really gotten into reading poetry, especially from R.h. Sin. He writes some amazing stuff.

38. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how? Yes (thanks Chris -_- YA BUM), I’ve broken my left wrist before. It was a long time ago, probably when I was like 8-9 years-old. Long story short, my brother and I were in this park playing on the monkey bars, my brother goes first, and while he’s on it, I decided to tickle him. Now, keep in my mind my brother was always tall, so when I tickled him, and he let go, he landed on his feet with NO problems because his feet were pretty much touching the ground anyway. So then it was my turn, and I was not tall at all lol, so he tickled me back, I fell off the monkey bars landing face first into the floor, landing on my chest, and I guess I thought my hands would stop the fall, because I landed on my wrist too (how it was only my left wrist and not my right one too, I have no idea). So anyway I’m laying there on the floor pretty much dying (from how it felt) because I landed on my chest and the wind was knocked out of me so I couldn’t breathe, and I was trying to let my brother know that, he couldn’t understand me and just thought I was making funny noises, so he was laughing at me the whole time >_>. I finally got my breathe back, stood up, and was walking to my mom ( I still hadn’t realized my wrist was broken), so I’m walking and then my mom starts screaming, “OMG, WHAT HAPPENED?! TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL!!,” so I finally looked down, and kinda just saw my wrist dangling, andddddddddd then the pain kicked in. Lol, so yeah that’s how I broke my wrist.

39. What was the last thing you watched on TV?: I’m re-watching the entire Vampire Diaries series, so like episode 3 of that.

40. Do you think you’d make a good parent?: Actually, yes. I love kids, and have worked with them every year since I was 13, they obviously were not my biological kids, but there’s always an attachment that grows between you and them, and I’ve learned a lot about kids, how to deal with them, etc., so I think those experiences will help me later on with my own.

41. When is your birthday?: August 17th; I’m a Leo, hence, my blog name lol.

42. Do you wear glasses, if so for how long?: Yes, I do actually. Since like 2011, though I’ve gotten more used to them than I probably should have, because they were only supposed to be meant for things like reading the boards at school and what not, but I literally wear them all day, everyday now.

43. Why did one of your friendships end? This is a good one actually. I’ve had several friendships that I’ve had to end recently, some of which I’ve had since I was like a baby. And it was some extremely difficult decisions that I had to make, but you know what, I grew up and came to realize that many of these friendships were not only not good for me to keep up, but also way too much work for me to keep up. They became too needy in a sense, and would always expect me to be the one to keep up the friendship by constantly calling and texting them, but I would have a lot going on in my life because I like to keep busy, and they would not only get upset with me, but not at all be understanding with me about any of it. My thought on it is, yes we are friends, and yes of course I’d love to speak to you, but it’s not something that I should have to do every single day, and it shouldn’t always only be me initiating it. Friendship is a two-way street, and we’re all adults here; we’re in relationships, working full-time jobs, busy with other commitments, and if you can’t understand that, as a friend of mine and support it, then maybe we shouldn’t have any type of friendship/relationship at all.

44. Why did your last relationship end?: Because it was toxic, and really messed me up mentally.

45. Are you still figuring out who you are?: Of course. Especially at the age I’m at, I have so many different interests, goals, plans for myself, etc., and think I have an idea of the type of person I want to be in life and what I want to do, but God and life in general works in such mysterious ways, that everything I have in mind for myself could change in an instant. So for now, I’m still figuring things out.

46. When was the last time you laughed so hard? LMAO yesterday at a picture of a fork my boyfriend put up on Snapchat.

47. Where do you go when you’re sad?: I pretty much just stay in my room and isolate myself from everyone.

48. What’s your favorite candle scent? Marshmallow Fireside from Bath and Body works omg.

49. What religion will you raise your children to practice? No religion. I will explain to them that I was brought up Catholic, baptized, confirmed, communion, the whole nine-yards, and explain it all to them thoroughly, but will never try forcing them to be apart of any religion, that’s something they can attempt to decide for themselves.

50. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning? Not all, but I do definitely tend to remember a lot of them, especially the most strange ones.

51. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender? Brandon, Nicholas, or Ernest apparently.

52. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent? British accent, hands down, lmao I’m always attempting to speak in that type of accent regularly.

53. Do you ever dance even if there is no music playing? LMAO yes, my boyfriend finds me so weird because of it.

54. Heels or flats? Flats, but occasionally heels.

55. What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Harry Potter!!!!

56. Are you stubborn? Ridiculously stubborn sometimes lol

57. Are you dating? I’m not dating as in plural, but I am in a relationship.

58. Do you want any tattoos? I want about 5 of them, but they’re all pretty small, nothing huge and crazy.

59. How old do you think you will be when you have your first child? Maybe 24.

60. Are you a risk taker? Very much so lol, it’s a little bad habit sometimes.

Okay this could go on FOREVER, the more I look for questions, the more I find questions I keep wanting to answer so I’m going to end this here. But I hope you guys enjoy this post, and hope you learned a little bit more about me.

Talk to you guys soon!

-Xoxo Leo Girl.