Our Warrior 🎗🙏🏼

How do you even begin to attempt to tell the story of a person that was taken way too soon by such an ugly/deadly disease? Unless you’ve been through it personally, the answer to that question is that you can’t. But, I guess the closest thing to knowing what it feels like is to watch someone you’re close to or just love/care about go through it.

It is with a huge amount of sadness that I say this is exactly what happened to a very special person in my family, my aunt Stephanie Melendez. She had been fighting and going back and forth with this terrible illness for years. She was fighting until her very last breathe was taken on October 18, 2017 at 4:30 am. Stephanie was 33-years-old; daughter, sister, wife, and most importantly, mother, to three beautiful girls.

IMG_9738

I’ve been thinking about what to say about this for nearly five days. These things/situations are always the worse; it’s like you want to be helpful and supportive but what do you even say? Pretty much nothing you say or do is going to help the person or people in this situation, they just lost a loved one to cancer. I think that’s always the worse part, wanting to be helpful and do all these things to attempt to console them, but feeling so helpless at the same time because you know nothing is really going to help them or make them feel better except getting that person back. Well that’s been my issue since Wednesday morning. So many things I wish I could say and do, but nothing feels right or anywhere near good enough.

I hate the fakeness that tends to come out when people pass away and during funerals. Suddenly people you haven’t seen or spoken to in years starts to come out of nowhere with all these words and feelings, but where was all this when the person was alive? Obviously it’s fine and one thing to express your condolences towards the person’s family and passing, but there’s a difference between that and coming out of left field making it seem like you guys were so much closer than what you really were. It’s not authentic and you’re only lying to yourself. That being said, I’m not going to pretend like I was super close to Steph, because I wasn’t, but I am going to say how I feel about her and everything that’s happened.

I want to do it in a way that describes her but also as a letter to her in a way that says everything I want to and wish I could’ve said to her.

Stephanie had her issues, and she made mistakes, but who doesn’t? There were a ton of things that used to be said about her BECAUSE of the mistakes she’s made, but you know what? She was an amazing freaking mother, and she always put her girls first no matter what. My thought is, you can make all the mistakes in the world, as long as you don’t involve or harm your kids in the process and step up when it comes down to it, that’s all that would REALLY matter. I used to hear a lot of things, facts, rumors, whatever you want to consider it, when they all still lived in New York, but I really didn’t care for 3 major reasons; 1. It was never my business what she did or didn’t do behind closed doors, 2. Her girls were always happy, healthy and taken care of, and 3. When she was around me she was always so sweet and genuine.

You know extended families when you see each other after a long time of not, they ask you the usual questions; how are you? How’s school? Are you in a relationship now? How’s your boyfriend/girlfriend? But it’s just typical stuff, so you don’t ever actually know if they care or simply asking because they feel like they should for the sake of conversation. But with Stephanie, it was different, she would ask these kinds of questions but there was something about it that you could just tell she actually cared about my responses, she always seemed interested and I loved that. And this meant the world to me because I could tell when others would ask and not really care so much. She also taught me how to hold a baby and change their diapers; with her supervision at certain times and even a lot of times without it, I know she trusted me with her girls because she knew how much I loved them and vice versa how much they loved me.

IMG_9734

When Stephanie, her husband and their girls moved to Florida I was so unbelievably sad. I don’t even remember saying bye to them. But it was sad because I was going to be going from seeing them pretty much every Saturday, to really not seeing them at all. They were only in Orlando, so it wasn’t THAT far obviously, but it was far enough, especially since it wasn’t like I was going to be able to travel back and forth to see them. In general, it just sucked. But I guess that’s why social media is so convenient, because we were able to keep up with each others’ lives. On and off through the years I would comment on her snapchats of the girls, and how much I missed them all and wanted to visit. She would tell me she missed me too, so did the girls and that I would always be welcomed to stay with them if I did visit. That always made me feel good and happy to hear. I’m actually jealous of my brother because he was able to go over there and visit them twice; technically it was for school/work but nonetheless he got to go stay with them and spend time with them for a few days, that which I never got to do. I had wanted to for a few years now but for one reason or another it never got to happen.

When I first found out you had been diagnosed with cervical cancer I was shocked and scared for you. I don’t remember who told me or how I found out exactly, but my first thoughts were definitely shocked, nervous for you, and the girls. Now, when I found out how long you were actually dealing with this, but hadn’t gotten any treatment, I’m not going to lie, I was mad at you because I couldn’t figure out how you could’ve known about this but not done anything to treat it. I realize now that was selfish of me, because of course it’s cancer so you were probably terrified. You also had a baby that was dealing with a heart condition that you put before yourself which was typical for you, so it all made sense afterwards.

When I found out you were in remission a few months ago and saw that video if you ringing the bell and reading the sign, I can’t tell you how happy it made me, I watched it about 2-3 times and couldn’t help but have a smile on my face. It was over, you were in the clear and weren’t going to have to worry about any of that again…or so we thought. Unfortunately, about two months later, you relapsed, but it wasn’t an ordinary type of relapse, it was as if this time around it came back for vengeance because it was back and hit harder than ever; but that didn’t seem to matter to you because you were prepared to fight it just like you did the first time….our super woman. And that’s exactly what you did was fight from that point on.

I remember finding out you had relapsed, I was sad again but for some reason not as worried about it, because I knew you had beat it once before, and you could do it again. Things got ugly and serious so fast after that. I’m pretty sure it was Jimito, my cousin, who told me about 2-3 weeks ago that your kidneys were failing so it was really just a matter of days/weeks now. When I heard that I was beyond the point of being at a loss for words. My first instinct was to reach out to Naisha (her oldest daughter). But what the hell was I going to say? Sorry that your mom is dying? Nothing I said would make her feel better or sound like anything she didn’t already know/hear. So, I opted to just being real and ask how she was doing  REALLY, she responded, “I’m okay, no one wants to see their mom going through this.” That alone was enough to break my heart and send me to tears. But I wanted to keep talking to her, I was determined to somehow or another either take her mind off things for a little while or somehow make her feel better. So we started talking about Demi Lovato.

Now, if you know me you know that I absolutely LOVE Demi Lovato and even that is probably an understatement. Recently (through her snapchats) I’ve noticed that she’s been liking her more and more, and (although it’s probably not the case) I like to think I had something to do with that lol. So I started to talk to her about Demi. We spoke about how much we liked her, why we liked her, her documentary and how good it was, etc. She ended up telling me how much she wished she could go to one of her concerts, and with me, so I told her we would, to one of her shows for her tour next year and I fully intend on making that happen for her if it means making her feel just a tiny bit better and putting a smile on her face.

IMG_9748

Fast-forward to a few days after this, we kept hearing about how worse you were getting and my mom and I were thinking/talking about how long it had been since the last time we spoke to you. We knew that although we wanted nothing more than for you to get better, the unfortunate reality was that your time was limited, and we wanted to able to speak to you and hear your voice one last time; so we called you. Actually, we called Naisha to hear her voice for a bit too first and see how she was, then we asked to speak to you, which was a little difficult because this was at the point where you were at your weakest so you could barely talk or move on your own anymore. My mom did most of the talking because, again, I had no idea what to say. My mom said hi to you, wished you well, and told you to keep fighting. With what little strength you had, you said hi to us followed by a series of “mhmms,” because that’s all that you could muster. At one point, I finally said hi and you said “hi…” then asked my mom, “who is that?” and she told you who I was and you were like “Ohhhh hi mama!” You sounded really happy/excited, which made me really happy. Then my mom asked you to sing something for her because she knew you loved music. You were quiet for like 2 minutes, then started humming for a few minutes before falling quiet again from being in and out of sleep. My mom started to end the conversation with you, she said she loved you, then I said bye I love you…and then I broke down. I started crying because deep down I had a feeling that was going to be the last time I ever spoke to you and I couldn’t believe it. It really was heartbreaking…And then the conversation ended.

Roughly two weeks after that conversation was when it happened. The ugly and disgusting monster that is cancer beat her, and as a result, took her life. It was Wednesday morning, I had gotten woken up by a phone call on the house phone, which I found weird for two reasons; 1. It was 7 o’clock in the morning, and 2. We rarely get calls on the house phone, let alone at that time of morning. The person left a message on the machine, but I didn’t hear who it was or what they had to say, I just know it was really weird. So I went about my morning getting ready for work, and then I saw my phone light up with a text from my mom, and for some reason that was it, that solidified the nervous feeling I got in the pit of my stomach. I just knew, or had a feeling, it was THAT text. And sure enough when I opened it, it was exactly what I feared. Stephanie had officially taken her last breath at 4:30 that morning. When I found out I couldn’t believe it, I broke down crying and shaking for about 10 minutes. This couldn’t be real, she couldn’t have actually died. She was supposed to get better and be okay again for Pipo and the girls. What’s going to happen now for them? So many questions and concerns running through my mind, but it wasn’t about me, it was about them and all the love and support they were going to need from this point forward, and now here we are….

Stephanie:I love you. I’m so sorry and sad that you are gone, but so unbelievably happy that you’re finally at peace and no longer in pain. You were an amazing mother to the girls, but you never have to worry about them being taken care of. And although it hadn’t happened in a few years, I’m going to miss the little talks on Saturdays we had when you guys still lived in New York. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be in Florida with everyone to pay my respects in person, but I’m really hoping somehow this makes up for that. 😔🙏🏼

Pipo & Girls: I love you guys so much ❤️❤️. I’m so sorry for your guys loss. Nobody should ever have to deal with this kind of loss, heartbreak, and pain. But you guys are all so unbelievably strong and loved 💪🏼❤️. None of you guys will ever have to worry about being alone or anything along those lines. But I guess that’s what’s great about having a big family, all of the love and support that comes along with that. I don’t want to say that everything’s going to be alright, because 1. I’ve never had to go through anything even remotely close to this before to know that, and 2. It’s not and won’t be for a long time if we’re being completely honest, and I know it may be hard to see and believe right now, but she really is in a better place right now, and this way she will literally always be with you guys. Your guys own personal guardian angel ❤️. And she’s probably up there in Heaven flying high with mamita right now watching over all of us ❤️🙏🏼

To The Rest of My Family: Let us please use this as a reason to become closer as a family, not more separated the way we’ve kind of all been the past few years. As cliche as it sounds, I think this situation can be used as a way to show/tell us to be more appreciative and mindful of our loved ones before it’s too late, because you truly never know when it’s going to be the last time you speak to or see your family or friends.😪

IMG_9703

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. 

These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fill them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. 

Beautiful people do not just happen.”- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross 💪🏼❤️🙏🏼🎗

I know that the majority of you who will read this that aren’t family, don’t know her or her family, but any little bit can and will help them during this difficult time. Click the link below to donate anything that you can.

https://www.gofundme.com/stephanie-melendez-memorial-fund

Social Media Parents

e68536ace0fe27d58225c3fafda89445

Hey everyone! Today’s post is going to be somewhat of a random rambles post. It’s something that I’ve been seeing way too much of recently, and I feel like it’s just something that I want to address and give my thoughts on, you know?

It’s the topic of parents who don’t really know what it is to be a REAL parent, but on social media try to flaunt their kids and such as if they were the number one parent(s) in the world.

Now, minor PSAS before we begin:

1. I don’t have kids of my own, so obviously I don’t fully know what it is to be a parent; being a teacher was probably the closest thing I’ve come to know what that feels like, and even than I’m sure most people would tell me that that wouldn’t even come close to the actual thing. HOWEVER, I do have common sense and know right from wrong, and know the things I will address in a bit are NOT the proper ways to raise kids or things parents in general should just not be doing once they become a parent.

2. If at any time someone or a number of people read this post and get offended/think I’m subbing them at all or anything, save yourself the aggravation of approaching me about it, because I’m not speaking about any one person in particular, but hey if the shoe fits wear it right? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Let’s get started with the post now….

* * * * * *

Recently I’ve seen way too many “parents” that are in their late 20s or 30s that have kids, several at that, and instead of worrying about them and whether or not they’re good, are out here partying, jumping from relationship to relationship, and posting their business on social media more than teenagers and/or young adults are.

These are the kinds of things I see:

  1. Going out and partying every single weekend, instead of staying home and actually being with their kids.
  2. Jumping from relationship to relationship, acting like a teenager in love and putting their significant other (who isn’t even the father of their kids the majority of the time) before their kids.
  3. Constantly publicizing their petty drama/issues with themselves, their baby-fathers, etc., on all social media platforms, THEN obviously looking for pity or for other people to “be on their side” about these things as if any of them actually care.
  4.  Trying to be/act younger than what they actually are by constantly partying, taking seductive pictures/videos (i.e. constantly showing off their asses, wearing too tight pieces of clothing, twerking, etc.) and posting it online.
  5. Constantly disrupting the lives of the people around them (though they would probably never admit it), to drop their kids off to stay with them on a regular basis; which, as a result, the kids are living extremely unstable lives.
  6. Rarely ever seeing their kids, but the few times they do, they just constantly spoil them/give them any little thing they want as a way to shut them up.

I’m sure there are a ton of other things, but I’d like to say these are the biggest and most common ones that I see.

* * * * * *

46cc7ce14ee1c772024c2fac2eeab590--deadbeat-dad-e-cards

I think what’s even more crazy is how the majority of these things that I see are coming from the mother’s. I don’t know, it really is messed up how majority of people in the world always tend to get on the fathers, and how they never do what they have to do for themselves or their kids, and they’re always the one to mess up. But no one ever really talks about the messed up mothers in the world. Now, don’t get me wrong, of course there are fathers out there who really don’t do shit for their kids and mess up more times than anyone can count, and I’m not defending them in ANY way; but I think it’s about time people stop putting all the blame on them, and realize that parenting is a two-way street, and a lot of mothers are messing up just as badly as the fathers, if not worse at times.

b88cfe4c85e588a9c539a57e3c79e458

Now, I feel like a lot of people (in particular young parents, or those parents that had kids at a very young age), feel as though they are or were missing out in being able to go out, date and such in their youth. And to an extent, I do agree, having a baby at a young age means you’re forced to pretty much drop everything that you would normally do (or want to do) for far more important responsibilities. But because of this, I’ve seen that many of these people who had kids young and had to give all that stuff up, feel the need to like lash out when they get older and do all of the things they didn’t get to do, at the age they are now which is late 20s-early 30s; which causes them to forget about their kids to a certain extent and abandon all of these responsibilities, just for the sake of being able to go out and do what they want. Not realizing that you don’t have to give it all up altogether when you’re younger, you just have to attempt to manage your time better and remember that THEY come first; they ALWAYS should come first.

It’s one thing to let loose a bit and have fun sometimes, but it becomes a bit excessive when it ends up happening all the time, every single weekend, and you barely spend time with your kids. Instead of putting partying and relationships first, realize that the majority of that should be going out the window anyway because it becomes all about them at that point, that’s what a good, RESPONSIBLE parent does. Now that might sound like a bit of a contradiction, but overall it’s about finding balance. And that probably sounds a hell of a lot easier said than done, but it’s the price to pay (so to speak) for having kids young, or just having kids in general, at any age.

21537a10ad3eb6630d9dcbd981bc5eff

How can one have kids and be “so in love with them” (according to social media), but are almost never with them and/or spending time with them? And when I say spending time with them, I mean that as in more than just an hour or two whenever THEY (the parent) feels like it. It’s actually sad to see how often parents can do that, barely see their kids, but yet find and post all of these pictures of their kids on social media as if they’re with them everyday, when their kids would be lucky if they get to see them once or even twice a week.

* * * * * *

Let’s talk about jumping from relationship to relationship…..

Just to get it out in the open right now, it’s disgusting, especially for a mother/father of several kids. I understand everyone has a right to date and be happy/find “the one”, but if you keep doing it back to back and going through the same old drama with them all, that just makes you look like you’re hoeing around and for a parent, that’s disgusting and not at all okay.

As well as for the kids, it’s bad enough they don’t/won’t see you because of your already lame ass excuses, but now your adding meaningless relationships in the mix and always introducing your kids to them; that’s just going to make them confused and feel more unstable than what they probably already are. And the excuse that “but they like them, they get along so well,” they’re kids of course they’re going to like anyone that’s nice to them and buys them candy and what not. They also don’t even fully understand who they are; to them 9 times out of 10, Joe Shmoe is just a friend to mommy or daddy.

Stop sleeping around and think about the emotional damage you’re doing to your kids!!!!

* * * * * *

Not only do these parents never see their kids and constantly lie to the world by putting up pictures of them everyday as if they were with them; but they’re also posting memes, long statuses, etc., about all the drama and bullshit they go through. Like what, why??? Why do you want to publicize that your baby daddy cheated on you, beat you, and left you for another woman? Why do you want to publicize that that SAME woman is trying to beef with you and stir up unnecessary drama? Why do you want to publicize that you’re going through a lot of shit right now with your health, financially, or whatever detail for detail? FOR WHAT? You want the entire world to know everything you’re going through and how your life is a world of shit right now FOR WHAT? A pity party? For everyone to comment on your stuff like “fuck that nigga!,” “Fuck that bitch!,” “You deserve better!,” “oh my god are you okay?!” “Prayers to you and everything you’re going through!” “let me know if you ever need someone to talk to!”

NO! Shut up, half those people that are commenting probably don’t even actually care about what you’re going through, majority of them are probably laughing at you and making fun of you and everything you’re dealing with. Some, if not most, of these things should be kept private; because then later on you’re going to come back and start posting about how you have lurkers and all these people just want to know your business….no smartass, you did that to yourself!What it’s called is you being an attention seeker, and it’s not cute, worry about bettering yourself and your kids instead of what you’re going to post on social media and who’s going to see it.

* * * * * *

Not only are these parents posting all of their petty drama on social media as if everyone cares, but then they’re also giving other reasons for people to laugh, judge, and talk shit about them; like posting provocative pictures and or videos of themselves on all of these social media platforms. Now, I’m not talking about simple pictures of a mom or dad at a club with a drink in their hand, I’m talking about things like nearly naked pictures of themselves at the beach, pictures of them clearly going out of their way to make sure you’re focusing on their asses when you see it, videos of them shitfaced, and/or videos of them twerking (again I’m sure there’s a ton of others, but these are things that popped into my head first).

de45c0eb3bfdabf7122b54a2761d671c--funny-shit-funny-stuff

Now, let’s make clear that for something like going to the beach, yes obviously you’re in a bathing suit, it’s going to expose you and what not, BUUUT, it gets to a point where it’s like okay, you’re clearly going out of your way to sexualize yourself in these pictures so that people can automatically just focus on your boobs or ass or any other sexual part of your body. Is it okay to be proud of your body, especially women after having kids? Hell, yeah of course! But you can tell the difference between people who are doing that, and others who are downright just looking for attention from their followers.

Similarly with going out to a club or lounge and posting that you’re off the shits with your friends or whoever; it’s fine to have a good time and have a few drinks, but posting that you’re getting shitfaced and all the dumb shit you do while you’re like that??? What do you think grandma and grandpa or whoever the hell it is you left your kids with for the bajillionth time is going to say in an attempt to explain to them what mommy/daddy is doing or where you’re at? Especially since in the day and age that we live in most kids by the age of about 10 already freakin’ have Snapchat and Instagram, and I’m pretty sure they have their parents on these things, so they’re seeing everything you do and post.

You’re not 18 anymore! It just gets to a point where it’s like okay, when are you going to grow up and stop doing teenager antics? Once in a blue moon might be okay to get away with, but again when it starts happening every single weekend, don’t you think that’s a bit excessive? What type of example exactly are you showing your kids? That it’s okay to go out and get shitfaced every weekend because you had “a long week,” and feel like “you deserve it,”? No, because that’s when you’ll start complaining about “oh my god I have all these bills,” “oh my god I’m struggling so much financially,” maybe if you weren’t going out all the time partying and drinking you would have enough money to get by. How about you save all of that time and money you’re always wasting, and spend it with your kids; spend time with THEM, take THEM out, and do fun things with THEM.

94920afe099af22e46e7ebfbbefb28ab

* * * * * *

These “parents”, if you even want to consider them that, are not only being selfish so that they could do whatever they want and not putting their kids first, but they’re also being selfish by dumping all of their problems and baggage on other people; specifically their parents (who are the grandparents of their kids) the majority of the time.

Now, I don’t know about everyone else, but the grandparents that I know about and have in mind are not SUPER old, but they are old enough to where they should not be having to do all of this all over again. Most of these grandparents are in their 50s, 60s, or 70s, where they should be just living the life and relaxing because they did their time already. They did everything they had to, they worked the majority of their life to support their own kids, they took care of their kids, they lived their lives, now they deserve to just relax and not have a care in the world.

13279af3ca958ca4ed31aa877621642f--parent-quotes-witty-quotes

But what’s happening now?

You’re forcing them to go out of THEIR way to take care of YOUR kids, and deal with all of YOUR issues. Yes, I’m sure they love them with all of their heart and would do anything for them, so they would probably never admit that their tired or need a break, but you being their child, and having your own kids now should have the common sense and decency to say, “you know what, I’m not going to put my mom and dad through that, it’s time for me to step up.” People don’t realize that yes of course it’s fine to leave your kids at grandma and grandpa’s house for quality time once or twice a week, that’s normal, that’s fair, but when it gets to them staying at their house for an entire week or weeks, that’s when it’s a problem. That’s when you’re being selfish. And that’s when they’re not even your kids anymore, those kids belong to your mom and dad now because they obviously love and care for them more than you do.

What’s even worse is that because your parents love their grandkids so much, and you know your kids love them so much, you begin to take advantage of that love. And think “well they all like it anyway, they’re willing to stay at grandma and grandpa’s house, and grandma and grandpa are willing to keep them and take care of them, so why not? Who cares?” Umm NO! THAT IS NOT RIGHT OR OKAY!!!!

Needing the extra help or a little break during the weekend is completely okay, once in a while, especially if the grandparents are up for it, but if you’re just using and abusing them so that you don’t have to step up as a parent and deal with you kids, that’s bullshit and you should know that. All these things are mistakes that YOU made in your life, not them. There’s no reason why they should be dealing or putting up with your bullshit.

Not only are you hurting your kids, but you’re also hurting and taking advantage of the people around you which is not at all right. People really do not realize that it’s one thing to ask for and accept help from others, but it’s a completely different thing to take advantage of that help and over-step your welcome. Even if they may not or ever say anything to you about it, it would be common courtesy to not impose on them and take that burden away from them.

* * * * * *

I’m sure reading this entire post I sound really upset as if this is happening to me, which it’s not, but it’s happening to SO many people that I know and it’s just not right. These people keep making the same mistakes over and over again and it’s just like, when exactly are you going to learn from them and not do them anymore? They sulk about the same shit happening to them all the time but never actually do anything to even try fixing their situation. It really is true what people say, the first few times are mistakes, but after the like hundredth time it’s a choice you’re making to keep putting yourself through it.

b781737023bae497f4746f936db050c3--bad-mother-quotes-bad-mom-quotes

How do you even feel bad for someone or people that keep doing it to themselves and make no type of effort to help themselves? You don’t or can’t, there’s just no way to, and I refuse to feel bad for people like that anymore.

The saddest part isn’t even what they go through, because I could care less about their petty bullshit; the saddest part is how much the kids do and will suffer from all of it in the future. That, and also some people are so willing to just toss their kids to the next person. My question still remains, how can you be so in love with your kids, but never actually see or spend time with them?

The kids will always be the ones to suffer in the long run because of the choices you thought were okay to make. I really don’t think people realize the mental and emotional damage they do to their kids when they do a lot of these things which is sad in itself, because by the time they realize it, it’ll probably be too late to do anything to help them.

d6f7759294a2af9d948018ce2e5c99f0--our-kids-my-children

Half of your guys kids are young, but you have no idea how smart they are and how much they actually know about everything that goes on with you. I’ve spoken to some of these poor kids, and if people could only hear HALF of the stuff that I have, they’d probably be in tears to be honest. Some of them are scared of their parent(s), some of them already have a certain amount of hatred for them; it’s heartbreaking because over the years that’s only going to intensify, but what can I do? I’m not their parent. I can only ever do and say so much to them…..

All that I truly know is that if and when I ever have kids, I’m sure there will be times where they drive me crazy and when I’ll need a break, I’m not denying or trying to downplay that in ANY way, but I’ll ALWAYS know that they would be MY responsibility, because I had them; not my mom, dad, brother, aunt, uncle, grandparents, friends, etc., I had them, it would be my choice and responsibility.

I also know a lot of these kids weren’t even planned, if we’re being honest, they just kind of happened. And I know it’s in no way, shape, or form easy to be a parent, but news flash, it’s the price to pay for opening your legs and having unprotected sex. Now you have to just suck it up, keep it moving, and take care of the little person/people that you created and chose to keep, because that’s all that really matters now, THEY’RE ALL THAT TRULY MATTERS NOW.

Grow the fuck up and think about that the next you want to be selfish and only think about yourself.

ea147d6bdc20511535f8ee971acae158

 

-Leo Girl🙏🏼

 

 

 

 

 

9/11

Hi guys,

This is pretty much just an impromptu post that I felt like I should write about because it’s weighing heavy on my mind this morning, actually when I really stop to think about it, it weighs hard on my mind every year on this very day.

As I sit here in my desk at work writing this post, I can’t help but get teary-eyed recalling the events of that day.

I was about 6, in the first grade, and my brother was 10 in the 5th grade. I remember that day being extremely gloomy. It was cloudy out, almost as if Mother Nature knew and was trying to give us some sort of sign about what was going to happen that day. My mom was off from work, and took my brother and I to school like normal, at around 7:15-7:30. Within the hour, I think everyone (students-wise) started to realize something was going on and very wrong, because parents started coming to pick up their kids every few minutes. I remember at about 9 a.m., my parents came. I still didn’t know what was going on, but hey my parents were picking me up super early from school, so what did I care? “No classes or homework for me today!,” I thought.

I remember coming out of the school and I saw my dad standing a few feet away at the corner looking at something in the distance. I ran to him to say hi, he hugged me and I looked where he was looking at. He showed me in the distance what he was looking at, but to me all I saw was a bunch of really dark smoke in the air. He didn’t say much to me about it, I guess because 1. He didn’t want to scare me, and 2. He probably thought I was too young to understand what was going on anyway.

Nonetheless, I was ready to go home and for some reason we were still waiting in front of the school for something, so I asked him “where did mom go?”, “She went to get Lynae and Justin,” he said. Now I KNEW something was off because they never picked up other peoples’ kids, but we were all friends, so hey cool, no school and we were having friends over!!

The rest of the day was kind of a blur, I just remember us going back to my house afterwards, and watching the news of everything that was going on in Manhattan.

* * * * * *

With every year that goes by, I think about it more and more and begin to think/realize how lucky and grateful I am that my mom wasn’t working that day. I don’t even remember why she had off or taken off that day, on a Tuesday of all days, but if she didn’t, lord knows what could’ve happened….

As grateful as I am of that, I can’t help but also feel an immense amount of sadness, because many people were not as lucky as I was. So many people, kids, babies, etc., lost mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, and/or all of the above, it’s insane and heartbreaking to think about.

9-11-Quotes-4.jpg

How can people just wake up one morning and decide they’re going to terrorize an entire city, kill thousands upon thousands of innocent people in the process and not think twice about it?

It’s been 16 years since this happened, and it still feels like just yesterday to most people, including myself. I think the older I get now, the more intense it is to think about and the deeper the sadness is to feel, because you understand everything about it so much more. And the memories of it all becomes much more vivid. I find this day seems to affect me more with each year that passes, which I guess is odd since it didn’t actually directly hurt me or my family in any way, but I guess just thinking about how horrific that day was for all of New York, and how much it still affects people to this very day is what gets me.

I also think it puts everything else into perspective for people, including myself again; to not only think about all of the innocent lives lost through this tragedy, but those people who SACRIFICED their lives to attempt to help this dire situation in any possible way they could; the firemen, policemen, EMTs, etc., the list could truly go on and on. As cliche as it may be/sound, we need to learn to be grateful for every single person in our lives because you really don’t know when it’ll be the last time you’ll see them; there’s no….I don’t want to say better, because what happened is in no way, shape, or form good, but for lack of a better word, I’ll say greater….there is no greater example of that then what happened on September 11, 2001. These poor people were just going about their everyday lives and routines, going to work, etc., and this happened, ignorant, selfish people took it upon themselves to take their beautiful lives away over spite for something these people had absolutely no control over.

images9-11

It almost feels wrong and selfish to attempt to go through this day and be happy, while so many people around the world are still suffering from this day, and I think that’s why I always feel down about it. It’s almost as if I have no right to be so happy and cheerful, and that’s why my depression gets the best of me on this particular day. I never want or care for going out, going to work, school, etc., doing anything in general really that could make me happy whenever this day comes, because it doesn’t do anything to help what happened.

People say we have to keep fighting everyday to show the rest of the world that that one tragedy did not get the best of us, that in fact it actually brought us closer together and made us stronger; it’s a nice thought, but I just wish I could be doing more to help with it all and make a more positive impact.

* * * * * *

I really had to take a breather from writing this post, because all this morning I was writing, and a lot of my sadness started turning into anger. I really started letting it affect me, in a way that I should not have. It wasn’t until I left for my break, and took a walk for that hour that I realized, not only do I have to appreciate all of the people in my life right now, but I also have to be appreciative of my life, and how beautiful life in general can really be. It’s a beautiful day outside, the sun came up again, I’m living to see another day, I have a home to go to at the end of the day, I have an amazing job, amazing family, amazing boyfriend, and an amazing life (in spite of how I may feel about it sometimes). Many people in the world today are nowhere near as lucky as I am, and I don’t in any way mean that in a conceited way, but it’s just the fact of the matter, a lot of people aren’t as fortunate, unfortunately. So as horrible, as this day may be or feel because of something that happened so long ago, we have to somehow look at the positives in our life today, and really push through one way or another, especially since it would probably be what everyone who lost their lives that day would want from their families and friends.

To all the men and women that sacrificed their lives on this day, 16 years ago, thank you so much. No amount of gratitude I think will ever be enough to be able to compensate for all of your lives that were lost on that day, but at least somehow knowing that each and every one of you were/are appreciated I hope will somehow be a start. And to all the people that so sadly lost their lives to such evil people, I’m so sorry, not one of you deserved that. But I hope and pray that each and every one of your families are somehow managing to do well, and push through with you in their minds with each day that passes.

Gone but NEVER forgotten ❤ 

9-11-Quotes-2

 

-Xoxo Leo Girl